guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
