You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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