Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
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btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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