I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I puked a lego.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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