I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
what day is it and did you see me today?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
