my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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