how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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