I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
