When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
