Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
