Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You don't make any sense
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