I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
