im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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