FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
