Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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