someone threw a dead crab at me
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
