At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
