Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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