Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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