Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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