You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
