Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
