____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize
