And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
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He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
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Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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