turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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