He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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