The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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