it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
