Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
