Well apparently he's into motor boating.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
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I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
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My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom