sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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