she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
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And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
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doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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