Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
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You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
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You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma