In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
