Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Randomize