Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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