i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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