I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
