It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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