Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i came on her dog
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
