If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
