we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
