I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
