I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
