Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
