i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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