there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
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In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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