you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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