the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Randomize
