I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize
