My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
