he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
