And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
