i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
