my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
