Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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