I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
