I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
