god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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