The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
