Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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