this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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