She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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