I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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