I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
