I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
